


burnt marshmallows and unnecessary guilt

by undernightlight



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Hallucinations, It doesn't really spoil anything, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Canon, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), it's clear from the start
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26942557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undernightlight/pseuds/undernightlight
Summary: He was going crazy, he wouldn’t deny that there was no point. Denying it brought him nothing but pain. If he let himself go along with it, then everything was okay, everything was easier and life was bearable.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	burnt marshmallows and unnecessary guilt

His hand shook around the hand of the knife. Fucking, stupid, fucking, piece of shit knife - but then a hand closed around the top of his, steadying him, before getting him to drop the knife onto the chopping board.

“Hey, relax,” Eddie said, sat on the kitchen counter, “What are you trying to do, cut a finger off?”

“No,” he replied, “At least not consciously.”

“Oh, so you think subconsciously?” Eddie huffed. “I’m personally offended you’d think that,” as he reached out to pick up a chuck of cut pepper from the board. “So what’s for dinner?”

“Stir-fry.”

“I like stir-fry.” He hopped off the counter, shoes hitting the kitchen tile hard before coming up behind Richie and wrapping arms around his waist. “You need help with the cooking?”

Richie chuckled, “Like I trust you, you’d burn fucking water.”

“You’re not much better.”

“No, but I’m the only real opinion here and we both know it.” Richie just knew he’d be pouting. “Just keep me company, yeah?”

“Always.”

“Wow,” Eddie’s voice came from the doorframe, “You really do scrub up nice.” He wasn’t wrong. Richie had a work thing, and though he didn’t have to, per say, scrub up, he thought he’d made the effort to impress the studio executives. “Wish I could come along.” Eddie moved into the room and his hands went to Richie’s tie, adjusting it as straight as possible.

“Just be here when I come back, okay?”

“Yeah, of course. Want me to get anything ready?” Richie shook his head. “Well, alright, but I want to hear about how it goes when you get back, and don’t leave me waiting up too long.” Slowly, Eddie stretched up and kissed his cheek, and feather light touch, delicate, but meaningful.

He lowered himself back down, feet flat on the floor. “What?” He asked when Richie just stared at him.

“Nothing.”

“No, it’s something, what is it?”

He sighed, smiling, and he reached out to touch Eddie, resting a gentle hand on his cheek. “I’m just glad you’re here, that’s all.”

They laid in bed together, Eddie draped across him, head on his chest. “Do you miss Derry?” Eddie asked. “I mean, a lot of bad things happened, but does that mean we can’t miss the good things too?”

“If I’m honest, I don’t think about it much.”

“Liar.”

It was a lie. He thought about Derry probably more than he should, but maybe that was because he could remember it all now. Sometimes he wondered how he could’ve forgotten it all, but then he remembered that that was what IT did. He did try to avoid thinking about IT though, if he could help it, but it was hard when that was what had forged them all together. True, they’d all been friends before that, but it was hard to ignore that their friendship, for better and worse, was never the same after that.

“You remember when we all went jumping in the quarry the first time? And when you and me rode our bikes down one of the dirt tracks, and You were going so fast and you looked back and your wheel hit that rock and you went flying?”

Richie chuckled at that. He still had the little scar on his knee.

“And there was that time when we all went camping. We had to lie to our parents that we were staying with each other, and then we all slept out in stupid makeshift tents with our sleeping bags. And we made that fire, remember? You and me sat so close together, and you burnt the marshmallows.”

With another chuckle, “Of course I remember. If you remember then so do I you know.”

“Yeah I know, but thought it might be nice for you to hear it from me this time.”

Richie sighed because Eddie was right, as he usually was, and he ran a hand through his short, scruffy hair. Derry did offer some good memories, but there were painful ones there too, ones he’d like to forget.

“Well then don’t think about them,” Eddie said, adjusting himself to look up at Richie. “Forget them, forget the bad memories and focus on me instead.” So that’s what Richie tried to do.

“We should get a dog, or a cat maybe, I don’t think you could handle a dog.”

“I could handle a dog,” Richie said defensively.

“Really? You’ve got to walk those little things every day, and they like a lot of exercise and companionship, and they can cost quite a lot too.”

“Oh so no different than you.”

Eddie punched his arm, playful perhaps, though he couldn’t quite tell from Eddie’s expression. “Fuck you,” he said, and stormed off. Richie laughed though, making no effort to catch up, not that he needed to, because Eddie came to an abrupt halt a few seconds later. “I don’t cost you anything I don’t know what you’re talking about,” and then he stormed off again. Richie did find it quite funny, and rolled his eyes as he continued his steady pace after Eddie.

Since Derry, since IT, he’d had nightmares. Whenever he woke up from one, it was the only time re wished he had never remembered, never gone back, never seen the Losers again. It would fade as the anxiety and fear did, but when he was scared from the nightmares, he wished he’d never gone back.

Richie woke up struggling to breath, sweating and shivering, and fear crackling through him like volts, not letting up. He reached out across his bed but it was cold and empty. He couldn’t focus, couldn’t think properly, couldn’t barely keep himself from choking on his own tongue.

When he really needed Eddie, he wasn’t there, but it wasn’t like it was the first time.

He felt a hand card its way through his hair as he lay on the couch. He cracked his tired eyes open to see Eddie looming over him with a sympathetic smile. “Not sleep well?” Richie shook his head. “Nightmares?” He nodded.

Eddie ran his fingers through a few more times before walking round to sit on the coffee table. “You can tell me these things you know.”

“You already know.”

“Even so, it might help you if you said them out loud. Might feel different, help drop the weight from your shoulders.”

“It’s not that easy, you know that too.” Eddie nodded, sad, looked defeated which wasn’t what Richie wanted at all. “Sorry,” he said as he pushed himself into a sitting position, “I just don’t want to go over it, not that I even remember it that well.”

“Well, I’m always here if you want to talk.” With slow movements, Eddie wrapped Richie’s hands in his, rubbing comfort across his knuckles. “Maybe you should try to get some sleep. I’ll stay with you, if you want.”

Richie nodded, and let himself be pulled and guided to his bed. Stripping off seemed like too much effort but Eddie insisted it was for the best, and so he did, Eddie helping where he could, helping the shirt over his head, helping him step out of his trousers. They climbed into bed, and within minutes, Richie was asleep.

“Bev phoned. We talked about you.”

Eddie’s interest was peaked. “Nice things I hope.”

“That would’ve been a very short phone call then.”

Eddie flipped him off. “It’s not nice to speak ill of the dead you know. You should try showing me some respect.” He calmed again, though he was never really angry. “So what did you two talk about?”

Richie shrugged despite answering the question. “The usual stuff. She misses you, said Ben does too. I reminded her about that camping trip you reminded me about. She’d forgotten about it until I mentioned it, but she remembered - remembered me burning the marshmallows too.”

Eddie laughed, “How could anyone forget that? You started waving the thing around and it was still on fire.”

“I did do that, and you sat there yelling at me to stomp it out before I caught the blankets one fire.” Richie chuckled as he thought back, but his smile faded the longer he thought about. “What is it Richie?”

“I wish we could go camping again.”

“We can, if you want.”

“I mean all of you. Stanley. You. It wouldn’t be the same without you guys.”

Eddie shrugged. “Maybe not, but maybe you should still go sometime. It might be nice to hang out with the Losers - don’t let time and distance and all that get between you guys, you better stay friends.”

Richie nodded along, though he doubted he actually would go camping with them. Like he said, it’d be weird two members down.

“You’re birthday’s coming up, isn’t it?” Richie asked, though he knew it was. Eddie rolled his eyes but nodded anyway. “We should do something.”

Eddie scoffed. “Like what?”

A valid point really. It wasn’t like they could really go out and actually _do_ anything, but still, if felt like something should be done. “We can just stay in.” Richie said, meaning it, determination and strength coming through in his voice, but Eddie saw through it.

“You want to do something, I know, I get it,” and his tone softened, “But we can’t, not really, you know that.” Richie nodded, “We’ll stay in, but we can do something nice, if you really want, but you know I don’t care about my birthday, and especially not now.”

“I know, but it feels like we should do something. I haven’t been with you for a birthday in decades Eddie.” The guilt seeped through despite how many times he was told he had nothing to feel guilty over. He’d missed so much of Eddie’s life, how was he not supposed to feel guilty over that. He felt a gentle hand on his back and it was Eddie, looking at him with warm, sad eyes and a smile. 

"That's because you forgot. IT made you forget, just like it did everyone else."

Eddie had reminded him of that so many times, and he knew that it was true, but somehow it wasn't enough to know a cosmic, other-dimensional being erased your life memories from before you were 19 to ease guilt. 

"Stop it," Eddie said, warm but firm, "I don't want you thinking like that, like you did anything wrong because you didn't." He ran a hand down Richie's arm to link their hands together, fingers slotting. "You've always done everything right, in everything." 

It was hard to believe, and so Richie didn't. He always thought back to the Derry sewers when Eddie said something like that, thinking back to IT, to how they defeated IT, to how he'd left Eddie alone to join the others, and how Eddie had died cold and alone against a slime covered wall. He should've been there with him, holding him hand, talking to him, keeping him conscious. Maybe then, Eddie would've made it out with them. Maybe he would've lived. 

"Stop!" Eddie repeated, his voice raised and frustrated, but his expression quickly softened again as he sighed. "Stop it Richie, it doesn't help anyone thinking like that. Not you, and therefore definitely not me." Richie did manage to laugh at that, a well natured huff. "We can't change what's already happened, so you replaying everything over and over, it's pointless. Focus on me, here and now."

Richie said with a sigh, still sad and bogged down with emotion, "But you're not real."

He turned to Eddie whose eyes were sad yet there was a smile on his face. He squeezed Richie's hand and nodded his head. "I know. We both know, we always have. It's never changed anything though, has it?" 

It hadn't. Maybe that first time Richie saw Eddie, standing there in his shirt and his sweatpants and his hair a little ruffled, just like Richie always guessed it would look like after a restful sleep, maybe that time he thought Eddie was real. But then he remembered Derry, and he knew then that the Eddie in front of him wasn't really there. Eddie didn't leave though, instead he just smiled at Richie and said, "Well, since I'm here, is there anything I can't help with?" 

Richie had replied with, "My life," and things had gone from there.

He turned to Eddie, who was still sat holding his hand tightly, other hand on Richie's back drawing soft circles. "Are you always going to be here?" He asked Eddie, who at first just shrugged, but upon looking over Richie's stained face, he spoke.

"Maybe, I don't know. I think I'll probably be around for as long as you want or need me."

"I don't think I'll ever stop needing you."

"Then I guess I'll always be here." He lightened his tone when he added, "So that means you'll have plenty more of my birthdays to celebrate." Richie chuckled. "So this year, we can stay in, yeah?" 

"Sure Eddie Spaghetti, we can stay in."

**Author's Note:**

> I tell ya, these two...they got to me.
> 
> I remember that before I'd seen the film, everyone was talking about the queerness of it, specifically of Richie, and was like 'yeah okay, cool,' not really thinking much of it, just that it was a widely accepted headcanon, but oh no, that boy's queer like 100%. It actually surprised me how obvious it was (and also that some people didn't seem to see it at all *cough* my folks *cough*) and shows that you can have queer love stories that are unrequited too yano (I mean, we got fix-it fics, we'll live.) (That's also not to say that it was probably a studio decision to rope in more queer people for their audiences and boost their numbers and sales, but I'll take what I can get for now.)


End file.
